


Deep Inside

by Xiumin_Jade



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23320753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xiumin_Jade/pseuds/Xiumin_Jade
Summary: Jongdae's struggling with depression and anxiety because of a childhood trauma. He never had friends until high school. That's where he meets Sehun and Baekhyun, and they became best friends. After a year a new guy enters school, called Minseok, who soon becames one of those guys everyone wants to date. Will Jongdae be able to get Minseok to notice him?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Kim Jongin | Kai/Oh Sehun
Comments: 14
Kudos: 52
Collections: SnowSpark Fest Round One





	Deep Inside

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt No: 108  
> I'm really happy to be able to participate on this fic. I'm sorry because, as english is not my first language, I may have not wrote a fic up to the potential of this prompt.  
> Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity.  
> I want to thank my Beta for all the effort, I'm a mess writing in english...  
> My lovely Beta: Ryunick

Kim Jongdae was really unsure about how to really interact with other humans. He had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety when he was little after watching his mother die burned alive when he was 6. He was simply traumatized, and the bullying he received when he was getting therapy for that trauma, ended up in his anxious and depressive behavior. Also, his father was never home, and his brother was a few years older than him, so he couldn’t do nothing to help him, just watch over him to prevent Jongdae to kill himself. As the kid Jongdae was, he didn’t have any idea on how to deal with his feelings correctly, he didn't know how to help himself instead of ending hurt in the process.

His mother’s accident was actually very well-known, so everyone in their city knew what happened. In the streets many people talked with pity about him, but nobody did anything to help him, some even thought that he was responsible of that accident, even though he did nothing. 

He changed school three times, always for the same reason, bullying, but his father didn’t really care, thinking Jongdae should “man up”, he also was working from early to late on the day, so in the end, he didn’t see Jongdae more than what was just necessary. 

By the time he got into high school, Jongdae hadn’t had even just one friend and he neither had hopes of having one. But at least the bullying stopped by then, and he was able to start having a normal life somehow. At least he stopped having anxiety attacks in class when mocked by his classmates. 

Another change that also helped him was the fact that, after some time, he got two friends. Not that he understood why, he always thought he was underneath the others and that he didn’t actually deserve to have any friends. He thought about himself as an outcast, he wasn’t able to save his mother, he survived while she didn’t, he was a disgrace for his family, he let his mother die, his brother didn’t have a mother because of him, his father hated him because he didn’t have his lovely wife with him. He really thought he deserved the hate he received through the years. 

But he got two friends, and not just normal friends but best friends. Baekhyun was a really popular guy in high school, he talked with anyone and had a lot of friends, but Jongdae was one of his best friends. Jongdae doesn’t know why is that, but he really started to like having a friend like Baekhyun and cared a lot about him, when Jongdae thought about how they became friends he couldn’t find a reason. But the first day of class, before the teacher even arrived, Baekhyun sat beside Jongdae and with the biggest smile decided they were going to be best friends forever, and no matter what Jongdae tried to say -tried being the key word because he was really nervous to say nothing- Baekhyun became his best friend.

If someone asked Baekhyun why he decided to be his best friend he would just answer “Everyone sees his façade, but I actually know he’s much more than that”, and that was true. 

Sehun was Jongdae’s other best friend, he didn’t just arrive as Baekhyun playfully and decided unilaterally to be his friend, Sehun was quieter than Baek, but still talked way more than Jongdae. Sehun and Jongdae got paired for the first group work of the semester, and they found out that they were quite similar and they got along really well, and as Jongdae was Baekhyun’s best friend, and Baekhyun was friends with everyone, Baekhyun and Sehun also became best friends. And it became really extrange to see Jongdae without any of the other two, he was always accompanied by either Sehun or Baekhyun, or both of them when Baekhyun wasn’t socializing with everyone. 

Jongdae was really reserved and both Sehun and Baek made their best to help him talk to their classmates and teachers, getting to know him little by little, till they got to know his real story. 

When Jongdae got the courage to tell them his real story, what happened to him to be the way he was, he was expecting them to turn their backs to him and hate him, as it had happened already many times before in his other schools. He expected to be bullied by them and everyone else in the class after telling them, but instead he got really surprised when they hugged him and told him that it wasn’t his fault, and that they would be there if anything happened. 

Jongdae really tried to understand how could they still like him. But he never understood why, and he wasn’t receiving more therapy because his father didn’t want to keep paying for something “useless”, as he tended to say. He kept that doubt, but to reciprocate the feelings he gave everything he had to help them and make them happy, even if that meant getting out of his little safe world. 

During the first month of their true friendship, as Jongdae considered the time after his confession, he was afraid of doing anything wrong to them. But little by little that fear disappeared and he started to be happier around his two friends. Not talking to strangers or lessening his anxiety or depression, but still having moments of true happiness that helped him to endure the hard moments he had on his house with his brother ignoring him, and the absence of his father, that environment was breaking him as he grew up. 

Jongdae’s grades were really good, as he didn’t have many friends to spend time with, and Sehun also was really centered on his grades, Jongdae was almost the top student of his class, only surpassed by Sehun himself and other classmate. Baekhyun instead preferred to play videogames and sing when he was supposed to be studying. 

Jongdae started to enjoy his days as best as he could, trying to ignore the cold atmosphere that reigned over his house and got even colder when his brother got an opportunity to study overseas for the next year and decided to accept it. 

Jongdae didn’t tell this to anyone, but he felt somehow hurt, even though his brother had been ignoring him for months as he felt his father ignored them for Jongdae’s fault, Jongdae had been raised by his brother most of his life, he felt he owed him everything. And at the same time he thought that his leaving was his complete fault, that the supposed hate his father had for them was his fault, but he suppressed everything in his mind, he was living a happy life with friends outside, he wanted to continue being happy, he didn’t want to think about how shitty everything felt at home. 

Baekhyun, on his own, actually got to know both Jongdae’s brother and father, and learnt the real version of everything, although the part of his father being a complete idiot who thought Jongdae’s depression was just a joke, was real. But Jongdae’s brother didn’t really hate Jongdae, he was simply too stressed with the situation, and really wanted to go overseas to get his doctorate in medicine. He really cared about his brother, but he was no professional, and didn’t know how to deal with his ups and downs, so he knew he may look like a coward, but he thought leaving will help more Jongdae than being always there. And giving him the cold shoulder also was supposed to help him be more independent. Baekhyun didn’t know what to think about that, Jonghyun, Jongdae’s brother, promised him that once he came back, if Jongdae was still bad, he was going to force their dad to get him mental health, no matter the cost. 

The next months of his first year of high school Jongdae discovered another thing that made him really happy. P.E. classes, most specially volleyball, he never thought before that there would be a sport that he would like so much, and where he would be a natural player, to Sehun’s disgrace, as the last was a complete failure on that game. 

Jongdae actually made some acquitances from the other classes thanks to volleyball, and in some breaks some of them met up in the court to play for a while, and through the year Jongdae assisted many times as he could, as he found the game stress relieving. 

Baekhyun actually was amazed, along with Jonghyun and Sehun, on how much Jongdae improved his little social skills on that year, they never thought he would get so much healthier in this little time, but Jonghyun had to admit that at home everything was still the same, and that he felt bad by leaving at some point. He felt that maybe his decision will make their father snap angrily at Jongdae if he ever had a breakdown while he was at home, thing that Jonghyun said happened with him a lot of times. Jongdae was not cured, he still needed help, but he learned somehow to dissociate and control the anxiety till he was alone or at home, where he thought nobody cared about him.

His happiness lasted perfectly till the end of the year, when things somehow started to grow tense. Jongdae’s father brought a woman home, his new girlfriend, the woman was nice and warm with them, but didn’t really try to get to know neither of the boys. Also, she was pregnant, so their father definitely started to spend a lot of time at home and Jongdae started to feel anxiety all the time. Jonghyun parted on summer, so Jongdae was left at home for two months alone with his father, and the pregnant woman. 

During summer Jongdae didn’t had things to do, nor places to visit, as Sehun and Baekhyun both went to visit their families. And he didn’t had enough courage to talk to anyone of his volleyball team, he was afraid of contacting them.

Surely he texted Sehun and Baekhyun every day, but he didn’t want to spoil their fun, so he lied about himself. He was getting worse every day, his father made him do all the chores of the house, so his girlfriend could rest, as she was pregnant. When he was in the same room as them he always got the feeling of being ignored by both, as if he was just a servant of the house, he felt as an outcast. 

He almost never got outside his house on the summer, at least till Baekhyun and Sehun came back of their respective holidays and they decided to meet at Baekhyun’s house, because he had a swimming pool, and the weather was extremely hot. 

“How’s been your holidays Dae?” Asked Sehun “What have you done?”

“Nothing really” He shrugged “I actually helped my father, and his new pregnant girl, clean the house and do the chores, after that I studied, I had nothing else to do…”

Baekhyun and Sehun looked at each other and then Baekhyun answered.

“You didn’t do anything else, didn’t got out for a walk, go to the swimming pool or play games?”

“Not really” Jongdae said “I don’t have video games, and I didn’t know anyone to go out, but it’s okay, I studied a lot so this year will be easier to me, I want to beat Sehun’s grades this time. 

They continued joking till it was too hot to stay outside without getting in the pool, and they got undressed, but Jongdae kept his t-shirt when getting into the pool surprising his friends. 

They knew better than to ask why, depression normally carried a whole lot of self-hate, so it was normal that he preferred to cover his skin, it was already a lot that he decided to get into the pool, knowing that the shirt was going to become semi-translucent and would stick to his skin. 

Watching Jongdae’s body more clearly than ever Baekhyun realized something, Jongdae was fit, he had a really nice body with some muscles, even though he didn’t do much exercise, only the P.E. class, and his breaks playing volleyball, Baekhyun saw Jongdae in the future as a very charming and handsome man, maybe even more than Sehun, who already was looking as a pretty fine guy. 

Baekhyun knew he liked boys more than girls, so did know Sehun and Jongdae, because Baekhyun wasn’t subtle with his looks to the basketball team captain, Kris, nor that the guy swung to the same side as Baek, as his pretty girlfriend made clear one day in the middle of the canteen when one kid from a lower year tried to kiss Kris. 

After a good time swimming and playing they got into the house to have a shower and change their clothes, and maybe have something to eat and watch a film with the air conditioner at max speed.

When Jongdae went to sleep that night he felt refreshed, he didn’t care about his father, nor his girlfriend, Jongdae was able to relax with his friends that day, and he felt prepared to the upcoming days that were left till the start of the new school year. 

The last three days were not what Jongdae expected, all that good energy that he got from being with his friends disappeared. His father started working again, and he was left at home with the pregnant woman, who never stopped asking Jongdae to bring her things, while she watched TV.

“Do you need anything else?” He asked a bit tired of doing useless things for her

She gave him a glance and looked back to the TV, where one of those typical romantic dramas was playing

“I don’t need anything from you...” “She said with disdain “You know… I don't want to end up like your mother…”

Jongdae felt as if his heart stopped for a second, her words repeating in his head, in his head he was the culprit of his mother’s dead, but in his home nobody talked about that. Jongdae then run to his room, his heart started racing and we was unable to hear anything but his heartbeat, his hands started to sweat, in his head he couldn't stop remembering the words that woman uttered, he started to feel as if he was unable to breath, pain started at his chest, he couldn't breath… Dark spots started to appear in his eyes, he tried to move to his bed, but when he made just one step his legs gave in and he fell to the floor, everything started to become dark for him till he lost consciousness. 

Downstairs the woman smiled, she didn’t care at all about the kid, she wanted a family of her own with the man she loved, she didn’t want that kid with her, neither the other, if the boy wasn’t useful for her, then she would ignore him, as if he didn’t exist. 

“Hello dear” Jongdae’s father said as he closed the door “Everything’s okay? Has Jongdae helped you?”

“He hasn’t” She said poisoning her words “He has been up in his room all day, he didn’t help me at all.”

“I’ll talk to him” He answered “He should take care of you, you’re his new mother.” 

She had a shiver listening to his words, she heard what happened and she didn’t want to have anything to do with that kid, also, she felt that the boy was strange. It was as if he was hiding a disgusting secret, she didn’t know how to explain it but she really didn’t like him, so she was going to ignore him. 

“I’m perfectly fine with you and only you darling” She said to her boyfriend.

…

Jongdae woke up the next day completely confused, he didn’t remember why was he lying on the floor that way, but his chest hurt and he didn’t understood why. He got up and got dizzy for doing it too fast, but got a hold on the wall and sat on his bed. The memories of what happened the day before suddenly appeared on his mind and he felt a wave of fear hit him, the anxiety attack he had was stronger than ever, and even having fainted, nobody on the house cared about him. This brought him on a downhill of bad feelings toward himself, not even his family wanted him, nobody would ever want him, one day his friends will realize how much of an outcast he was and leave him too, as his brother did, but before that day arrived, he was going to enjoy the feeling of having friends as much as possible. 

The next days Jongdae only saw his family once, deciding to have breakfast, lunch and dinner at different times than them. Not that his father or his girlfriend cared, his father didn’t even try to talk to him, so, in this routine, classes started again, and Jongdae felt a slight hope of being able to forget everything and just go back to those good days with his friends. 

The first day of class he met up with Baekhyun and Sehun on the outside gate, and went together with them to their new classroom. When they arrived, there were already a few students in there that greeted the three of them, as well some other kids they didn’t recognize, they supposed that they were new major students. 

One of them was a very tall guy with a bright smile and bright eyes, he had also a very cute ears that stood out a lot, and his voice was loud and bass. Next to him was another boy, also tall, compared to Jongdae and Baekhyun, with bronze skin that looked like sweet caramel, and then there was a cute boy, in Jongdae’s point of view he was the prettiest boy he had ever seen. He was smaller than the other two, his cheeks were full and his eyes were cat shaped, he had a white, silk like skin and his pink lips stood out, Jongdae couldn’t decide if he looked more like a cute cat, or a cute hamster.

Baekhyun started talking to both Sehun and Jongdae trying to guess where the three boys came from, but the other students got into the class and the teacher came in so he stopped talking. 

“Hello everyone, I hope you all had some good holidays” The teacher said with his typical cheerful voice “This year is very important and I expect everyone to work hard!”

“Well” She said after a few seconds when the students just smiled at her expecting “This year we have three new classmates, please introduce yourselves.”

“Hi everyone” Said the tall guy standing up with a cheerful smile “My name is Park Chanyeol, I hope we become friends.”

“Hello” Continued the tanned one “My name is Kim Jongin, please take care of me.”

“Hello everyone” Spoke the last one with a sweet, calm, voice “My name is Kim Minseok, I hope we all become good friends.”

Jongdae watched Minseok carefully, he felt nervous just because of his smile, and it wasn’t even directed at him, but he dismissed it as he supposed it was due to the difference of treatment right here in school, compared to home… 

The first and second week of school Jongdae got back to his happy place, in P.E. the teacher allowed the three sport teams of the school to practice their sports half of the time, while the rest of the class changed from sport to sport. Jongdae in the volleyball team was really happy, and he noticed that Chanyeol was in the Basketball team, and also that Minseok was part of the football team, and he was a really good player. 

Baekhyun at lunch always commented how the three guys became really famous in school, but mostly Minseok, who was really sweet with everyone in school. And also with Minseok in the football team, the school got ranked in some important tournaments of the city. Baekhyun always commented on how many boys or girls he heard talk about dating Minseok, and Jongdae always felt a pang of pain but always hid it. 

During that school year Baekhyun became really close to Chanyeol, who in the last semester became the captain of the basketball club, so Jongdae and Sehun got to know the other two, if only by greeting them when Baekhyun talked non-stop with the tall guy. 

Sehun and Jongdae started to hide on the library when Baekhyun went to socialize with everyone, prefering to be in a quiet environment. True to his words, Jongdae started to improve his grades, when he was at home he went immediately to his room to try, if it was possible, to not get noticed by his father’s girlfriend. Jongdae prefered to not call her by her name, better, not call her at all, only when his father was present Jongdae kept some manners, the minimum to run to his room without getting scolded and having another anxiety attack. He got them usually because of his family, and it was making him start being too angry even in school, and snap sometimes with his two friends. 

“Hey Dae, Hunnie” Greeted Baekhyun Jongdae and Sehun on their first break in between classes “I’m sorry I didn’t sat with you two, but Chanyeol told me to go with them and I couldn’t say no.”

“We’re used to it” answered Sehun dryly “You’ve been doing this all this semester.”

“You could join us, you know” Said Baekhyun “It’s not my fault you don’t want to socialize with anyone.”

“You’re right” Sehun answered standing up, Jongdae watched all afraid of the repercussions, but without any idea on what to do to stop them “I don’t kiss anyone’s ass to be their friend, nor spend all my time with anyone forgetting my friends just to have a boyfriend.”

“As if you had more friends apart us” Snapped Baekhyun “if it wasn’t for me neither of you wouldn’t even have one friend!”

Baekhyun at this point looked really angry, and Jongdae felt that we needed to say something. 

“Go kiss someone’s ass Baek” Said Sehun “Maybe when they throw you away you’ll realize who are your real friends”

“Guys” He tried to say, but the fear in his voice made it sound a bit cracked “Please stop, this is…”

“Shut up Dae” Said Baekhyun angry “You’re the worst! You can’t even talk to your teammates when we aren’t around, even your family ignores you! You two can go fuck yourselves.”

Sehun looked at Jongdae shocked when he heard Baekhyun’s words, that were meant to hurt, and Baekhyun just went back to his new friends. Sehun looked carefully at Jongdae, he was starting to tremble, he knew what was going to happen, so, before the teacher came in he went to talk with her and then took Jongdae out of the classroom to the infirmary. 

When they arrived the nurse just gave a look at Jongdae and understood what was happening, she helped Sehun sit Jongdae in one of the beds and took some pills from one of the drawers. She gave them to Jongdae with a glass of water, but the boy was completely lost in his own mind, hyperventilating and trembling, and the nurse ended up forcing him to swallow them, then she talked to Sehun.

“Go back to your class” She said “ You can come back later, he’s gonna be asleep most of the day.”

Sehun listened to her and went back to the classroom, Baekhyun tried to connect looks with him, but Sehun ignored him and sat beside one of their classmates with whom they sometimes did group projects. 

“Sorry Kyungsoo” Said Sehun “Mind if I sit here? Jongdae won’t be able to come back to class today.”

“Is he okay?” Kyungsoo asked “Something happened?”

“Just Baekhyun being an asshole” Sehun answered and they didn’t talk anymore, hey weren’t friends, but they got along well. 

Jongdae in the infirmary was still fighting the effects of the pills, he was still thinking about what Baekhyun said, he knew someday this was going to happen, that his friends were going to abandon him. But he didn’t know it would be this painful, everything he was suppressing in his mind started to haunt him, the hate of that woman, of his father, his brother, now even Baekhyun, and god know how many people more… He felt like crying his life out, he didn’t want to be left alone again and to be hated anymore, he knew he still had Sehun, but he was sure Sehun was going to leave soon too. 

After a while, the pills made full effect and he fell asleep, while the school nurse looked at him with sadness, she was going to report this again to the principal, but she was sure that, as the other times this happened, no one was going to do nothing for the boy, or even, it would be getting worse. 

In the lunch break Baekhyun went to Sehun to ask, still angry, but not conscious of what his words provoked. 

“What happened to Jongdae?” He asked grabbing Sehun by the arm.

“Why do you care?” Sehun questioned back “You told us to get away from you! I’m not going to tell you nothing, think a little bit by yourself, bastard.”

Sehun went to buy something to eat quickly and went back to the infirmary to check on Jongdae, he knew he was going to be asleep but still he wanted to eat beside him just in case he woke up. And also, because what Baekhyun said was true, he didn’t have more real friends than them, and that comment also hurt him, so, having some time to think alone was great. 

In his way back he suddenly bumped into someone and ended falling on his butt to the floor.

“Oh, i’m sorry” Sehun looked up from the floor and saw Jongin in front of him offering his hand “I didn’t saw you, are you okay?”

“Yes” He said accepting the hand, mostly for manners, he didn’t really like touching other people “I wasn’t looking either, I’ll be more careful, sorry.”

“You’re one of Baekhyun’s friends right?” Asked Jongin “He’s with Minseok and Chanyeol if you’re looking for him, I was going to see them right now, if you want to come along.”

“No, thank you” Sehun answered, unsure about what Baekhyun told them about Jongdae and himself “I’m going to see our other friend, he’s waiting for me.”

“The one you accompanied outside and didn’t come back? Is he okay” Jongin asked. 

“I hope he will be” Sehun answered and with a little bow took his leave.

He spent his lunch time sat beside Jongdae, and then went back to class, the rest of the classes he stayed focused on taking notes and when the bell rang he took his things and run to go se Jongdae, but when he got there, the nurse told him he left when his father came to take him home. 

Jongdae felt horrible, his father didn’t utter a simple word while taking him home from high school, and he knew he was angry at him. His father was never affectionate with him and now that he was angry, he was sure nothing was going to end right, at least for him. 

When they got home, Jongdae wanted to go up to his room and rest, but his father dragged him to the living room where the woman was sitting in one of the couches. 

“So…” His father started, Jongdae decided to not sit in case he was able to run to his room “What was all about? Explain me why did I had to go pick you up, and what were you doing in the infirmary sleeping instead of being in class.”

“I…” Jongdae started, but he didn’t know what to say, he knew how his father was going to react “I had an anxiety attack…”

“And why, for heaven’s sake, did you had it?” 

“A problem with one of my friends, we had a fight.”

“You had an anxiety attack over a friends’ fight? Are you an idiot? Stop trying to get my attention with those pathetic excuses. I know you may feel a bit apart with her here, but that's because you don’t want to be with us.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t raise you to be a little pussy, I can’t believe you’re so weak, how many times I told you to grow up from what happened! Your brother tried to protect you and he asked me to get you help, but for what? All the protection and help will be useless, you’re weak, man up boy!"

Jongdae looked at the floor, he was expecting this, it wasn’t the first time, but it was true that his brother stopped things before his father snapped, now he was alone, and the other person in the room hated him. 

“Your father is right Jongdae” Said the woman with his typical poisonous voice “You’re so useless, your father here is working to give us the best life possible and you do this… With that weakness and attitude, are you gay? ”

Jongdae got surprised of that accusation, he hadn’t still gave a thought about his sexual orientation, and he knew, his father had a big problem with homosexuals, as he was a very catholic person, and as it looked like, that woman too. 

“Get out of my view” His father said “I don’t want to hear you answer to that, no son of mine would ever be an antinatural, I don’t want to see you here, stay out of our view.”

Jongdae was still shocked, also anxious, but the pills he took this morning at school were still on effect so he was well enough to just go to his room without having another attack. But still, in his room, he continued thinking about his father’s and her words, his mind racing on how much hate he felt from his father’s words, how much he hated Jongdae. He started a spiral of self-hate on his head. 

That night he skipped dinner, a thing that would worsen with time. The next days of school, Sehun asked Jongdae about the day before, worried about him, but Jongdae stayed quiet and kept everything to himself, speaking only when asked by the teacher and also the minimum to Sehun and other classmates. 

As the next weeks went by Baekhyun tried to approach Jongdae, to say sorry, because he realized his words hurt him, Baekhyun knew Jongdae, and knew his words were a little bit too much. But Jongdae kept hiding from everyone, even from Sehun sometimes. In his mind he was sure everyone hated him, so he had no reason to be around them anymore. 

Sehun made up with Baekhyun, and told him everything he gathered about Jongdae, not much, but he told Baekhyun about Jongdae’s father taking his son home the day they argued. 

One day, after P.E. class Baekhyun managed to corner Jongdae with the help of Jongdae’s volleyball teammates. After their class, in the changing room, his teammates left him the last to shower and left first, leaving Sehun and Baekhyun inside with Jongdae. Jongdae saw them while getting dressed and tried to rush, not feeling in the mood to talk to them, as the last weeks. 

“Dae” Baekhyun started, but Jongdae tried to get his things from the locker “Let’s speak Dae, you know we need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about” Jongdae answered with trembling voice “ Please let me get my things so I can go have lunch.”

“Please Jongdae” Said Sehun in low voice “I know you’re going to skip lunch again, so please, let’s talk, please, listen to Baekhyun.”

Jongdae sat on the bench of the lockers, seeing that he wasn’t going to be able to leave without this talk. Baekhyun and Sehun sighed and sat in front of him. Jongdae believed that they were here to definitely cut him from their lives, and he wasn’t ready to hear that, not now, not when he was feeling so down.

“I’m sorry” Baekhyun said surprising Jongdae who stopped looking at the floor and looked at Baekhyun directly in the eyes for the first time since they argued “I shouldn’t have said that words to you, I didn’t mean them, I was just… Well, I won’t try to make excuses, I was really wrong, please Jongdae forgive me…”

Jongdae took his time to understand what Baekhyun was saying, as he never had friends before them, he never had a fight with them, neither had anyone saying sorry to him, as much as he remembered, so he didn’t know how to act or what to say, he never fought either with Baekhyun or Sehun before this time. He looked at Sehun as if he had the answers to everything that was happening but Sehun only smiled at him, a little smile he normally didn’t show to anyone. 

Jongdae didn’t had to think too much to forgive Baekhyun, he was his first friend, but his mind was blocked from all the self-hate of the last days, still, he brushed it apart on his mind and looked at Baekhyun again. He felt a lot of emotions curse at him at the look of sorrow Baekhyun was giving him, so he let a few tears drop from his eyes and smiled at Baekhyun, remembering all the times he made him happy.

“Of course I forgive you” Jongdae answered “I will always forgive you…”

Baekhyun smiled at him too and hugged him, Jongdae was also unaccustomed to being touched, but Baekhyun always hugged him when he was feeling down, this time trying to make him feel how much he cherished him, and how sorry he was for everything he said. 

After that day things went back to normal, at least somehow, Jongdae was still feeling worse than usual, he couldn’t manage three meals a day, neither sleep more than 5 hours, but he tried to hide it. He had lunch with Baekhyun and Sehun, mostly because they wouldn’t let him skip it, but when he got home he locked himself in the room and didn’t have dinner or breakfast. 

Baekhyun was the first to notice it in its full dimension, Sehun also knew Jongdae was feeling sick or bad, but, as he respected Jongdae’s privacy he didn’t realize what was really going on. However, Baekhyun was more prying in that matter, and he noticed how Jongdae’s skin was going paler everyday, and the bags under his eyes were more obvious than ever, and he was worried. But without Jongdae letting him help him, Baekhyun could only do the bare minimum, such as making sure he ate and offering his help, even though Jongdae refused. 

Jongdae wasn't conscious of his worsening state, he didn't gave that a single thought, his mind was a swirl of confused thoughts mixed with all the self-loathe, that he felt, deserved. In school he enjoyed watching Baekhyun flirt with Chanyeol, he enjoyed studying with Sehun in the library, and spending his P.E classes playing volleyball, and he clung to those good moments, in contrast to the coldness that dominated the atmosphere of his house, and the looks of disdain he received, especially from that woman, when he entered the house.

This weeks, while everything for Jongdae was a chaos, Baekhyun finally gathered enough courage to ask Chanyeol out, surprising both Jongdae and Sehun, who thought it would be Chanyeol the one asking first. 

The two of them were a cute couple, but they didn’t spend every moment together as everyone expected, Baekhyun learned from the last time and decide to spend most of his time in school with Jongdae and Sehun, and to go on dates with his boyfriend after school.

With the two being together Jongdae found another reason to be happy, watching Baekhyun smile every day was a good reason for him to be happy, and also, the three of them began crossing paths much more often with Chanyeol, and Minseok. Jongdae, those last weeks, suppressed any feeling he had to anyone, even his friends, but now that he had his friends back he felt much more better and started to realize again how beautiful Minseok looked everyday. 

He didn’t ever talked to him, nothing more than just a “hello” and “goodbye”, but that little words became a lot more usual as he saw Minseok every day, he started to memorize his facial expressions in his mind, and to review them at home when he was feeling worse. His cat-shaped eyes were the thing that fascinated him the most, he was sure that once he looked directly into his eyes, he would get lost on them. Those eyes normally seemed to be cold, but actually showed a lot of expressions, even when his whole face was stoic, sometimes in a way even more confusing than Sehun’s poker face, but his eyes showed all. With all the amount of time he spent looking at his eyes discreetly, he started to notice when Minseok, even if he was smiling, was bored or annoyed, his eyes were really attracting to him. 

Also his gummy smile, Jongdae couldn’t help himself, but everytime he saw Minseok smile his heart would skip a beat, and he would feel that warm feeling on his stomach and then blush, even thought that smiles were not for him. 

Jongdae felt in a bubble of happiness whenever he was near to Minseok, that’s why he never complained when he was dragged by Baekhyun to see his boyfriend, even if Jongdae didn’t participate in any conversation and just watched on the back. But that bubble of happiness exploded, one morning in class, just before lunch, Sehun had to leave to go to the doctor as he had been feeling a bit sick for days, so Jongdae was left with Baekhyun in class, that wouldn’t have been a problem if that day wasn’t Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s first month anniversary, and without realizing it, Baekhyun left him alone at lunch. Jongdae got his lunch and went to the backside of the building, where he used to hide from everyone as he was alone, and wanted a quiet place without feeling like an outcast. 

But when he was about to go around the corner he heard his name and stopped, someone was talking about him. He didn’t move and decided to try and listen for pure curiosity, he recognized the voice, they where some of his volley teammates.

“I don’t get why the captain still keeps Jongdae around, he doesn’t come to half of the trainings, just because he can’t be without his friends, but damn well we had to help them when the kid ignored them.”

“I don’t understand it either, he isn’t that good playing, he just knows how to play, but he’s useless. By the way, the other day, one of my cousin’s friends told me something about Jongdae, about how he let his mother die,… he told me he let her burn alive, and that his mother was a slut, such a mother such a son, I’m sure the captain likes him because he does “favours” for him, he looks like a cocksucker.”

Jongdae’s face lost all his colour and he already felt anxious hearing them talk about him, but when they mentioned his mother, he couldn’t hold it anymore, so he dropped his food on the floor and ran to the bathroom. Upon arriving he went to the less used one and locked the door just in time to throw up in the toilet. 

His mind started to swirl with the little memories he had from his mother accident, the screams, the smell of burnt flesh, the pain, the panic, everything. He curled in a ball in the floor while anxiety started to spread on his body, he started to suffocate and his pain ached, black spots appeared in his eyes and he wasn’t sure he was crying or shouting, he tried to get up to get help, but the darkness spreaded and he fell backwards to the floor, and fainted. 

When he woke up he was disorientated, his head hurt a lot, and he was able to hear an intermittent sound near him, he couldn’t move because of the pain, but he tried moving his arm, only to realize that he had something on it that also hurt when moving. He tried opening his eyes, but there was too much light in the room. He tried again after some time and inthe end he was able to open them and he realized he was in a hospital, and the thing in his arm was a needle, and the sound was his own heartbeat. Being here didn’t ease Jongdae’s fear, and his heartbeat went faster while Jongdae remembered the reason he ended up here. And the mix of the memories of his mother’s death with the fear of his father being angry again, made it go even faster and someone appeared in Jongdae’s side, a nurse, he realized, and some fear disappeared, but not all.

“Boy, it’s okay, you’re okay” Said the nurse “You’ve got a hard hit on the head lad, take a rest, your friends are here to see you, I’ll let them in.”

Jongdae looked at her and nodded, talking to strangers was a big no to Jongdae, he calmed his heartbeat letting all his thoughts aside as a very worried Baekhyun and a even more worried Sehun got into the hospital room. Baekhyun was biting his nails, a very bad habit he had whenever someone he cared about was hurt, and Sehun had a worried face, a face he only saw the last time he got hurt during a volley match and didn’t told them, thought this time he looked even more worried.

“Jongdae” Baekhyun said almost running to Jongdae’s bed “I was so worried, when I went to class you weren’t anywhere and I went to the infirmary, and then they told me… What happened?” 

“I just…” Jongdae didn’t know what to tell them, he felt that he should tell them the truth, but he was just too used to lying to them, but from the looks of his friends he decided to tell them “As Sehun wasn’t here and you were with Chanyeol, I took my food and went to the backside of the school… I… Heard two of my volley teammates talk about me… they talked about how useless I was and… Then they talked about my mother… I couldn’t hold up, I felt sick and I… I went to the bathroom, threw up and I think I had an attack, the nurse told me I hit my head…”

Jongdae stuttered all the time he talked, but Baekhyun and Sehun listened carefully what he said, and each of them grabbed one of Jongdae’s hands to help him talk. Baekhyun got angry upon hearing Jongdae talk about the guys who talked bad about him.

“I’ll punch them” Said Baekhyun “ I can’t believe what they said about you… don’t listen to them, nothing they said it’s true…”

“They called her a whore…” Jongdae added “And said that I was doing “favours” to the captain of the volleyball team to be kept on the team even when I skipped trainings… Because I ama slut like my mother.”

“Forget it Dae” Said Sehun “Nothing they say it’s true, they just hate you because they envy you, you’re a great player.”

“But it was true” Said Jongdae, and before Baekhyun or Sehun said nothing he added “It’s true that I like boys.”

“You like what?” Said a new voice in the room, that Jongdae soon realized it was his father, Jongdae looked at him as if he was seeing a ghost “You just said you like boys? Oh dear God, what did I did wrong? My son is a faggot! That’s antinatural, you can’t like boys, I didn’t raise you like that, I told you to man up, not to become a little pussy!” 

Baekhyun and Sehun didn’t even dare to move, neither did Jongdae, his father face was almost red, he knew his father hated gays, but he just came recently in his mind with his feelings, he wasn’t planning on telling him soon, or ever.

“She was right boy” His father continued and he knew who he was talking about, that woman, his father’s new girlfriend “You brought your mother’s death and your going to bring disgrace to us, an antinatural, you have a demon inside you, you’re not my son, my son can’t be a faggot.”

“I’m going to ask you to calm down, sir” A doctor said suddenly surprising everyone “This is a hospital, and your son is one of my patients, he’s hurt and he needs to rest, he will have to stay for at least three days till the wound in his head closes."

“I don’t care” His father answered to the doctor and then looked at Jongdae “I will talk about this with your brother, but mark my words boy, you won’t be living under my roof ever again.”

After saying this he left the room leaving the three boys and the doctor stunned. The doctor dismissed the words thinking it was just a father taking a bit bad his son’s announcement, and as many other fathers, he would calm down and then come back and say sorry, but the other boys knew it was true, and Jongdae knew, he didn’t had a roof anymore…

The next day his friends came to see him in the hospital after classes again, but bringing a little surprise to Jongdae. Baekhyun was optimistic with this surprise, but Sehun wasn’t sure if bringing Jongdae’s brother to the hospital was a good idea.

When they got into the room Jongdae was having a snack brought by the hospital nurses, the bandage on his head was clean and he was sitting in the bed eating in silence, when he saw his friends he smiled, but then he noticed his brother was there and his smile faded.

“Hello, Jongdae” His brother said, sitting on the only chair of the room while his friends left the room to give them some time to talk “Father called me and told me what happened, and your friends filled the rest of the story…”

“Why are you here?” Jongdae managed to ask. 

“I’m here to apologize… I’ve… I’ve had a lot of time to think all this time, and I know I wronged you, and I didn’t help you enough when you needed it the most, and also… I left you alone with father…”

Jongdae didn’t expect that at all, he was confused, but listened to his brother feeling that he was truly apologizing, he felt like crying., Although he wanted to think that what his brother told him was a lie, a part of his heart, the most anxious for family affection, had already forgiven his brother, and needed him.

“I… I’ve come to tell you that I won’t leave you again, that I don’t care what father believes, I don’t care if you like boys. I know that you’re not the useless shit father and his girlfriend think you are, that I came back and we’re going to get together through this.”

Jongdae started to cry, not knowing what to say, and his brother got up and hugged him, this was the first time for Jongdae, as long as he remembered, that his brother has done something so supportive to him. When he calmed they talked a little bit more, and even when Sehun and Baekhyun came back the four of them talked happily despite the situation.

“So you’re staying here?” Baekhyun asked “I thought you got a scholarship…”

“I did” Jonghyun answered “But I can continue and finish my PH. D. here, my brother is more important that a paper in English instead of on Korean.”

The next two days till Jongdae’s release Jonghyun worked something out with his father, he was moving back with Jongdae to the house they lived, and his father and his girlfriend we’re going to go to her house, that was unoccupied since she went to live with him. 

His father wasn’t happy with the arrangement, but he really hated the idea of having an homosexual son, so he decided this was the best solution to all, his girlfriend also agreed with him, she was the most happy of them all, she had her boyfriend for her, and her suspicion of the boy was true, he was gay.

When Jongdae was released he found out that his father moved out with his girlfriend and for once, was relaxed at home, his brother was still making all the paperwork to change back universities but still took his time to spend it with his brother and reassure him he was going to help him. Their father still paid for all, Jonghyun had a scholarship so he didn’t have to pay much for his older son, and in Jongdae’s case, till he was of age he was obligated to pay for him, so his studies were paid, and the bills of the house too. 

When he went back to school he felt as if nothing changed, yet everything did, he was still feeling down, but he had more hope than ever, thought his wound was still bandaged and he gave quite a scare to some of their classmates. Baekhyun and Sehun stayed all the time by his side, even in the bathroom and even when he told them it wasn’t necessary, the two were determined to stay with him in case something happened again. Jongdae stopped arguing with them about the matter when he realized it was going nowhere. 

The second day back to school needed some courage to tell the captain of the volleyball team he wouldn't be able to play for the next two weeks till his wound was completely healed. As he was unable to play he stayed in the bench watching the rest of his classmates.

He used that time to calm himself for the conversation, as he didn’t like turning people down, and also took the opportunity to watch Minseok play outside. After a long talk with his brother he decided that his feelings toward boys, instead of girls, were true, and that it was normal, his father propaganda was a hard thing to forget, mostly on these matters like being gay. At the end of the class he went into the changing room to talk to his captain. 

“Hi captain, I wanted to talk to you” Said Jongdae.

“For how much time you won’t be able to play?” Asked directly “It’s obvious you can’t play with a wound in the head, when will you be able to come back?”

“In two weeks time” Jongdae answered “I will keep myself fit captain!”

“That’s the mood, but take care Jongdae.”

Feeling more at ease with himself he went back to his friends and told them everything. 

Time went by very quickly and Jonghyun started to get frustrated with the change of university, not more paperwork, but the contents of the classes, all the projects and practices at the hospital, he was very busy. Jongdae tried to help his brother doing the chores and making dinner, but he was having nightmares again and he was too tired some days, so he felt he was being a bother to his brother when he had to let him cook or clean. 

When his wound was completely healed he went running to the captain to tell him, he still had nightmares and was really tired, but some sport to relax and get on track would do him some good. 

“Sure, we’ll have a practice game after lunch, join us.”

When the time arrived Jongdae was really happy, and Sehun and Baekhyun too, they let Jongdae go first to get changed and met him in the court, the players were really happy to play indoors as the other teams would have to play volleyball the next day if it didn’t stop raining. 

“Okay, so Jongdae is back on the team and he’ll be a regular again, so, Shin, you go back to the bench” Said the captain. 

The Shin guy was one of the two boys that mocked him and Jongdae didn’t want to met them again, but as they didn’t knew he listened to them, both kept their façade and congratulated him for his recovery, they were the type of guys that didn’t have the courage to tell him anything on at his face, nor hurt him physically. The game went smooth and Jongdae felt really happy, he really thought things were working too smooth for him. 

That night Jongdae got his first full night of sleep in a long while, and felt rested, but when he woke up his brother was asleep on the living room’s desk and he got really worried, his brother abandoned his studies overseas for him, and now he was going into a lot of hardships, and somehow Jongdae considered that his problems were stupid compared to all the sacrifices his brother was making for him. 

He picked his umbrella and went to school still thinking of his brother. His first class was P.E that day, and Jongdae realized that today was going to be an interesting class, because footballers had to stay inside and their team was divided in two. One went to do some sport games with the rest of the class, and the other half ended up playing volleyball with them. Everytime that happened everyone had a lot of fun, as the football players didn’t know how to play, but were too competitive to just let them win. So it was like a real match that didn’t follow the real rules of the game. 

Jongdae quickly noticed that Minseok was in the group that played volleyball, and some of his classmates where around him explaining the rules and, not subtly, checking him out. Minseok appeared to be oblivious of this last fact, and Jongdae grimaced at the view, he thought he would never had anything with an angel like Minseok, but he still was jealous when other boys, and girls, tried to flirt with him. 

Jongdae was really distracted in that game, Minseok was a big distraction to him, and Jongdae made a lot of errors, but the worst one was when he tossed the ball with too much force, and it hit Minseok square in the face. The ball dropped to the floor and Jongdae looked at Minseok, blushing immediately, so both their faces went red, all their classmates started to laugh, but Jongdae quickly ran to him to check if he was okay. He forgot his fear to talk to him or touch anyone and approached Minseok and took him out of the court. 

“Are you okay?” Said Jongdae nervous, still blushing hard and trying not to look to Minseok in the eyes “I’m so sorry, I hit it so hard… you must be hurting a lot, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Jongdae” Answered Minseok putting his hand on Jongdae’s arm “Football balls hurt way more, and I’ve been hit a lot before, I’m okay.”

Jongdae could swear his name had never sounded so beautiful before, Minseok voice was another thing for him, he felt shivers on all his body starting from were Minseok hand was, and he blushed harder. 

“Are you okay Jongdae?” Asked then Minseok with worried eyes “You’re too red, have you caught a cold?”

Jongdae thought he was about to faint when Minseok touched his face with his hands, but at the end he simply thought he was going to die because his heartbeat was too fast to be normal. 

“I’m okay” Stuttered Jongdae “It’s simply too hot in here, too many people,... And again… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t worry, I’ve had it worse, this is nothing” Said Minseok and smiled at Jongdae, who felt as if he was going to die of blushing “I’ve seen you play, you’re amazing at volleyball…”

“Oh no!” He said feeling more and more embarrassed “I’m not that good, there are some seniors on the team that play way better than me, on the other hand, you’re an amazing football player, you must like it a lot…”

“I do” Answered Minseok “I’ve been playing football since I was little, and it’s something I never grow tired of, I suppose you feel the same about volleyball?”

“Well…” Jongdae scratched his neck “I’ve been playing only for two years, I do really like it but I haven't been playing that much time…”

Jongdae didn’t realize it but they spent the rest of the class talking about their hobbies, Jongdae learned that Minseok really liked singing and watching Marvel movies, and that Iron Man was his favourite superhero. And Minseok discovered that Jongdae liked singing too, and also Marvel, but he hadn't seen all the films, and Minseok promised him to meet up one day and see them all together. 

When the class ended Sehun and Baekhyun found Jongdae in the lockers room staring at the wall dumbfounded, both of them had seen the interaction between Minseok and Jongdae and Baekhyun was already making plans on both of them.

“Jongdae” Sehun called him “Everything okay?”

“Yes, everything it’s perfect… more than that…” He snapped from his thoughts and took his things without adding anything else, and the three of them went to their next class. 

…

Jonghyun was able to relax a month and a half after coming back to Korea, he didn’t know it was going to be so challenging to get up to date to his classes, even having some on where he was ahead. And he was happy seeing his brother get better, before leaving he was sure he didn’t see Jongdae smile more than three or four times in his life, but now that they lived together, he smiled a lot more, and he looked more relaxed. 

“Everything it’s going okay in school?” Jonghyun asked Jongdae at dinner.

“Yes” Jongdae said with a shy smile “I’m going to get the best grades of my class, I’m sure!”

“That’s really good” Jonghyun answered, smiling too “But if you don’t get them, don’t worry, you still have time for next year.”

Jongdae never imagined he would feel so much at ease with his brother, he always thought he hated him, he still sometimes thought about it. 

“I wanted to suggest something to you” Jonghyun said at the end of their dinner “I know you never recovered completely from what happened to our mother” Jongdae tensed up and his brother hold his hand “I’m not like that, and with the money he gives us and my own savings I think it’s time to get you some real help…”

“I don’t know” Jongdae answered after a little “I never thought about that, I don’t…”

He was about to reject the help, after all he didn’t want to bother his brother, and less make him spend extra money on him, but his brother eyes looked at him with worry and affection so in the end he accepted. 

The truth was that it really helped him, thought not the first weeks, because the psychologist was a stranger, and his anxiety levels were really high, but the psychiatrist that was in the team gave him some pills to start managing that problems. Jongdae tried to not take them as much as possible, he felt okay when taking them, but still all his father ideas about mental health were engraved in his mind. 

The little tasks his psychologist recommended him were really difficult in the beginning, like trying to look at people in the eyes for more than ten seconds, his friends at first, going out and greeting at least three people every day, and he really struggled with them, but when he achieved his goal for the day he really felt satisfied. 

In school Baekhyun started to plan with his boyfriend a way to make both Jongdae and Minseok end up together. But after that first talk on that class Minseok started to look out for Jongdae himself and they had little talks. 

The two groups started to merge somehow, and they not only had lunch together, but went to see either Minseok, Chanyeol or Jongdae’s matches all together. Jongdae was really happy with the idea of having new friends, and more than anything, he was ecstatic of having his crush so close, and having the opportunity to talk to him. 

Soon, they had a group chat on their phones all together, and also Sehun and Jongin got closer, even if the tanned boy spent most of his time dancing with his friend Taemin. This time it was Jongdae the first to notice the subtle glances Sehun gave Jongin, and the one to encourage him to go to one of the dance practices of Jongin and Taemin, and join them.

...

Minseok knew he was really popular, and he hated that, but he was raised to be polite with everyone, no matter how annoying anyone was, that's why he had so little real friends. Everyone always looked at him for his prince-like or angle-like appeal, but when he was little he was a chubby boy and received a lot of hate, many people said that his glow-up was a miracle, but he worked hard to achieve it. Chanyeol was his first real friend, and Jongin the second one, they helped him a lot and stayed by his side chubby and slim or fitted, they were his best friends, and nothing in the world could change that. He knew he was gay since he found himself checking the bodies of his football teammates when he was 13 years old. But never had enough courage to have anything with anyone, only the typical pubert kiss with a girl of his class when he was 14 that served as confirmation of his sexuality. 

But when they changed schools he had a lot of people over him everyday, because of his looks and politeness, and also for his football skills. But all that people was fake, nobody tried to get to know the real Minseok. 

When Chanyeol started dating Baekhyun, the little, but charismatic guy, also became one of his friends, he didn’t care about his looks or skills, he just wanted to be his friend. And because of Baekhyun he got to know Jongdae. He didn’t got to “know” him till much later, but since Baekhyun started to approach Chanyeol, he put an eye on the boy. He realized he was too shy, and by the looks Baekhyun gave him when they fought, he must have had a rough life. 

But the worst part was when he was the one who found him on the bathroom, he never told this to Chanyeol or anyone, but he was the only one at the bathroom that day when Jongdae came and had the attack. He heard the crying and hyperventilating sounds from the stall next to him and couldn’t stop himself to go in top of the toilet and look to the other stall, just in time to watch him fall back and faint, and hitting his head with the toilet. He broke the door of the stall and tried to wake him up, he saw then all the blood dripping from his head and quickly, using all the strength his football trainings gave him, picked Jongdae from the floor, using his jacket to stop the blood flow and took him to the infirmary. Upon seeing him, the nurse called an ambulance and with a pity look, sent him back to class, with his jacket covered in Jongdae’s blood inside a plastic bag. 

After that he kept an extra eye on the boy, noticing his little looks at him and a lot of details of the boy he started to like a lot. He really liked Jongdae’s adam apple, he noticed it the first day he saw him, but after all the amount of time he spent watching him he noticed it was really beautiful and he really wanted to bite it. He also noticed on the next weeks how, when the boy smiled, his smile looked like that of a cat, and when he smiled Minseok felt as if he was the sun. 

The day Jongdae hit him playing volleyball he didn’t expect to have that much in common with the boy, and when he touched him and felt his heart race he knew it. He really liked Jongdae, his shy behaviour, the way he blushed when looking at him, and how his eyes seemed to be able to read him from head to toe.

When the two groups merged he decided to take the lead and try to know him better, he realized that Jongdae kept blushing around him a lot, and he liked that, cause it meant that maybe he had a good chance with the boy. And he also knew that Baekhyun and Chanyeol planned on bringing them together. 

“We should do something this Thursday for your birthday” Chanyeol commented one day at lunch “It’s your 18th birthday.”

“We have class on Friday, and we have exams in a few weeks” Minseok answered “Nothing big please, just us…”

“We can organize a party or something” Said Baekhyun. 

“That sounds like a good plan” Seconded Jongin “Are your parents home this weekend?”

“No” answered Minseok “They’re going to see my grandparents, and they’ll bring my sister, I’ll be alone.”

“Then that’s it” Chanyeol said with a big smile “We can have a little party on Friday.”

Minseok looked at Jongdae and the boy nodded, a quiet way of telling him he was going too. Minseok already told Jongdae some days ago about his birthday, and after a lot of insistence, knew when Jongdae’s one was. Minseok thought on trying to take Jongdae on a date this Thursday but his family decided to go outside for dinner and he couldn’t risk taking Jongdae out, mostly because he knew he would end up arriving later to his own birthday with his family. 

On Thursday Minseok woke up to a dozen of messages from his family and friends. At lunchtime Chanyeol appeared at the canteen with a cake and they made everyone in school sing “happy birthday” to him. A lot of girls, and boys, tried to give him some gifts, even some of them made Chanyeol or Jongin give them to him. He hated that, he never understood the reason to give a stranger a gift, so he normally didn’t accept them. 

On Friday Minseok, with the permission of his parents, invited all his friends to a sleepover party, he bought a lot of popcorn and downloaded some films they all wanted to watch, and prepared some beds for all. He decided to divide it in pairs, Baekhyun and Chanyeol to the visitor’s room, Jongin and Sehun in the sofa-bed of the living room, and himself and Jongdae in his room. He was being a little selfish choosing to sleep with Jongdae, but he wasn’t as innocent as people thought. 

Jongdae was the first to arrive to his house, only with a few minutes difference with Sehun and Jongin. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were the last ones to arrive. The mood was great and they prepared popcorn while starting the first film, Jongdae helped Minseok to take all the bowls and they sat together on the only free place on the couches. 

Minseok could feel how nervous was Jongdae and he moved a bit on the sit to end up leaning on his shoulder. Jongdae tensed and Minseok moved his head to look at him. 

“I’m bothering you?” Minseok asked “I thought this way we would be more comfortable.”

“It’s okay” Jongdae answered, and even through the darkness of the room he saw that Jongdae was blushing. 

He leaned more against him and felt Jongdae sigh but move so Minseok could rest his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. They watched the rest of the film like this, getting closer and closer, when the film ended and Baekhyun switched on the lights, one of Minseok’s legs was over Jongdae’s leg and Jongdae’s hand was on Minseok’s leg. Both his heads were one against the other and they looked too comfortable like that. 

Sehun was the one to prepare the popcorn that time, and Jongin prepared the next film, Baekhyun sat on Chanyeol’s lap and watched Minseok and Jongdae talk quietly over the film they just watched. 

Minseok was enjoying a lot the feeling of being against Jongdae, he wanted him to feel cherished and loved. After watching him collapse that time he couldn’t help himself, he wanted to see Jongdae smiling as much as possible. 

Maybe he was going too fast, and Jongdae didn’t feel the same and he was only reacting under pressure, but he was sure of his feelings. He maybe hadn't been the most obvious, maybe he didn’t spend nights and nights without sleeping to realize it, but the warmth that started in his heart when he was with Jongdae was enough for him.

They watched the next film together one against the other. But somehow the places changed and at the end of the film Jongdae was with his head on Minseok thighs and Minseok’s hand was caressing his hair. Jongdae was falling asleep and Minseok was looking at him instead of the film. 

Baekhyun resisted to scream like a fangirl when he saw it, but he just gripped Chanyeol's hand tighter. Minseok then looked at the others and smiled, and gave two little touches into Jongdae’s shoulder to wake him up.

“Are you hungry?” Asked Minseok “We can order some pizzas before watching the last film, they will close the restaurant if we wait.”

“Yes!” Screamed Jongin “I want pineapple on mine!”

“Eww” Replied Sehun “I can’t believe you just said that…”

“There’s nothing wrong with pineapple pizza.” 

“Please that’s literally destroying a pizza” Sehun stated.

At the end they ordered two familiars and two individuals, one with pineapple for Jongin, and a four cheese one for Baekhyun. 

They waited for them talking and Minseok kept looking from time to time to Jongdae who was still half sleep and leant on his shoulder. They ate with Jongin and Sehun still arguing about pineapple and then watched the last film. This time, before starting, Jongdae directly put his head on Minseok’s thighs, Minseok was surprised by that, but happily just started to caress him while the film started. 

The last film was a terror one and two people in the room were regretting the idea: Baekhyun and Jongdae. The first one was inside Chanyeol’s arms trying to ignore the film, and Jongdae was in Minseok lap with his eyes closed and his hand on his ear. Then there was a scream on the film and Jongdae got up from Minseok’s lap completely terrified at the same time that Baekhyun screamed too. 

“Jongdae are you okay?” Minseok asked him as he saw him too pale. 

Jongdae shook his head, he wasn’t okay. Minseok took a rush decision and got up from the couch grabbing Jongdae hand and left the living room, and went to his room. When they got inside he closed the door so Jongdae wouldn’t hear the film, the boy was standing in the middle of the room looking lost. 

“This is my room” Minseok told him “You looked like you needed a break from that film, in my room we won't hear it, we’ll be okay, come sit with me.”

Jongdae looked at him and sat at his side, nervous. Minseok took one of his hands trying to make him feel more at ease. 

“What kind of films do you like? You should have said you didn’t like terror films.”

“I normally only watch action ones, some fantasy and that kind of stuff…” Answered Jongdae, more relaxed with the little talk “I also like a lot of the old classic films, but I still have to watch a lot….”

“If I knew I would have forced them to watch a Marvel movie” Said Minseok looking into Jongdae’s eyes “You should tell me this things next time, trust me.”

Minseok thought that he might be crazy, but he really wanted to make Jongdae happy, he really wanted to see Jongdae smile more and more. He wanted to make new happy memories by his side, he watched Jongdae close his eyes and he felt his heart tremble, he really liked him, so he closed his eyes too and kissed him. 

...

Jongdae nodded, fascinated by Minseok eyes, he remembered himself thinking once how he could get lost on Minseok eyes, and that was just what he was doing in this moment. He had been terrified while the last film was played, but now, in Minseok’s room, he felt relaxed, he felt his skin burn under Minseok’s touch, and his eyes were a deep pool from where he didn’t want to get out. 

Jongdae felt Minseok’s other hand on his cheek and suddenly his eyes weren’t connected anymore, and he found himself looking at Minseok lips, he wanted to taste them, but he was afraid of messing everything up. His heart has beating fast and hard, and he was sure Minseok was able to hear it, he felt himself blushing and looked again at Minseok’s eyes. Minseok’s eyes were talking to him, he knew it, he felt as if just with a look Minseok was telling how much he appreciated him. 

Jongdae didn’t know when he closed his eyes, but suddenly his lips were dry and then something soft pressed against them. He recognized that as Minseok’s lips and he felt his heart skip a beat. Minseok lips moved against his and he followed him, he didn’t have any experience, but Minseok’s lips against him felt like heaven and Jongdae let his instinct guide him. Jongdae moved one hand to Minseok’s neck and his other hand to Minseok’s hair, grabbing it.

He felt then Minseok’s tongue ask for permission and opened his mouth to him, their tongues touched one against the other and the kiss got heated, Jongdae was really happy with Minseok exploring his whole mouth. They only got apart when oxygen was a must, and then Jongdae opened his eyes, and looked at Minseok doing the same thing. 

Jongdae felt in shock and only looked at Minseok expecting him to say something. Minseok was still looking at him with a smile and Jongdae smiled too, caught by the good feelings floating between them. 

“Jongdae I…” Minseok started and looked at the floor for a second, at this moment Jongdae felt his fear rise again, but Minseok looked at his eyes again, in Minseok’s eyes he could see determination and care “I do really like you… Would you… Would you like to go out with me…?"

Jongdae felt as his heart was about to explode, he couldn’t believe this, this had to be a dream, Minseok couldn’t be confessing to him, but then he looked at his eyes and knew Minseok words and feelings were true. As Jongdae took his time to think in the shock Minseok’s eyes showed fear and insecurity and Jongdae snapped of his thoughts. 

“I do” Jongdae said smiling, he believed, this was the best day of his life “I like you too…”

Minseok smiled at him at then kissed him again, Jongdae felt as if he was melting through the kiss, he wanted to get to know every part of Minseok’s body, and he was willing to let Minseok know every part of his. But first he wanted to kiss him till the feeling of Minseok’s lips on his stayed forever. 

They kept kissing each other for a long time till they heard a knock on Minseok’s door. 

“Hey lovebirds” Said a voice they recognized as Chanyeol “It’s really late and we wanted to know where are we going to sleep.”

Both of them got out of the room as if they weren’t kissing a few moments before, not caring if their lips were swollen, they just hold hands and went downstairs with the others where Minseok explained how were they going to sleep. 

That night, when Jongdae slept beside Minseok, still couldn’t believe how much life can change in just a few years. 

… A year later…

Minseok knocked on his boyfriend’s door hoping he would be the one opening, as Jongdae’s brother still gave him the creeps. Jongdae was the one to open and Minseok sighed in relief, the warnings and threats of Jongdae’s brother, if he ever harmed his brother, sounded too painful and even if half a year had passed since that talk, he was still scared. 

Jongdae smiled at him upon opening the door and gave him a kiss, taking his phone, wallet, and keys and closing the door behind him, today was their anniversary and they were going on a date. 

Minseok remembered everything that happened through the year and he really felt proud, his boyfriend changed a lot in that year, with a lot of help and with a lot of problems, but the Jongdae that walked beside him was a happier one. 

Minseok knew about Jongdae’s story a week after they started dating, and since then he helped Jongdae as much as possible. The worst part was hearing him explain his mother accident, about him being in the garden and how he saw his mother set up the fireplace because it was cold, how his mother tripped over the fire and how he stood there unable to move while she screamed, and the firefighters and police arrived too late. The screams and blood from that day still haunted Jongdae, but Minseok was decided to be by his side every time he remembered the day to help him. 

The psychologist was the most impressed of Jongdae’s achievements, and Minseok knew that without the aid of a professional, things wouldn’t have been the same. Still Jongdae had a lot of scars in his soul, he would always carry that shadow over him, but Minseok was determined to never let it harm Jongdae again. 

It was a long path to make Jongdae realize that there was nothing wrong with him, that his mother’s accident was not his fault, neither his father’s hate, but now, Jongdae walked proudly holding hands with him and he couldn’t be happier.

When he thought about the first times he saw Jongdae he realized that he liked him a lot even since the first days, but he was a little dense. And compared to now, the Jongdae back then was screaming for help, thought no one seemed to be able to hear him, neither himself…

“ _ Hyung _ ” Jongdae called him “Let’s go walk by the river first.”

Minseok stopped thinking about the past and enjoyed the time by his side. He remembered that tomorrow they will be meeting with Chanyeol and Baekhyun, and also Sehun and Jongin, who recently started to date too, after a long time flirting and being jealous of whoever approached the other. 

“Jongdae” Minseok called his boyfriend “I won the bet.”

“It’s not fair” Jongdae answered “I can’t believe Sehun asked Jongin so close to our date… he could have waited a little bit more…” 

“I told you your friend would be the one asking first” Minseok replied. 

“Sehun was really shy when we became friends, I wouldn’t had imagined this… And remember that Baekhyun was the one who asked Chanyeol…”

“Chanyeol was really dumb and thought Baekhyun was in love with other guy… Now, pay me.”

“Still… It’s not fair” Replied Jongdae with a smile “I’ll pay you later, at home… my brother is going to spend the weekend in Japan for the extra course.”

Jongdae’s smile meant nothing good and Minseok felt his blood go south, he was in public, he should control himself. Jongdae laughed at him and took his hand into his, Minseok smiled too, and followed him squeezing his hand tighter. With Jongdae, he was happy, there wasn’t anything else he could ask for. 

Well, he was expecting tonight. 


End file.
